Feeling right at the bottom...

Perhaps I have enjoyed and splurged too much even though I constantly remind myself not to spend unnecessarily. I did so in an effort to prevent myself from going thru the difficult and unhappy times I once went thru. However, being poor (momentarily) in the present will always be a fact regardless how capable one could 'avoid' this fact. When this fact hits upon self 200% consciously, one's feelings will be hit upon strongly and feelings down it goes.

And because of this fact, I realised I'm still afraid upon the 'unforseeable' future because of a big obstacle. How can I overcome this hurdle? It is time I ought to wake up because there's no way I can stay the way I used to, nor continue being weak. I may be scared but there's no time for me to carry on pondering. Instead, take concrete actions is the solution. Now, it is I myself should run my own life despite how willing parents are. Let them withness how I become independent is the utmost thing to do currently.

How can they not able to smell anything?!

I was just out for a while and the moment I returned home, I felt something was amissed. I kept smelling gas! I thought it was illusion or what but it isnt! I'm just able to smell it especially when in the kitchen. So I looked wrong and guess what?! The stove's gas switch was on! omg omg omg la!!! No one uses it except my mum and I was out with her in the morning so left all the males at home. And they've been at home for whole day yet unable to detect the smell?! can u believe it? Even when I alarmed them, yet they still can't smell it! This is way too too dangerous alrd la. If I didnt detect it, something cound to happen 1 lor... I'm thinking what will happen if I'm not at home. Such small thing also didn't notice leh, how low guarded are they and how can I not worry abt them right? Wau Lau la! When ever will they be more alert, pay more attention to their surroundings?!
What a stupid family I have and I can't stand it laaaa!!!

Wah Lau!!!

Ok fine, the first day of this week I had a nightmare after watching horror movie is the first thing to happen and followed 2 days later, I barely woken up and alrd received a phone call. Initially I thought was some stranger or something but in the end was my younger brother. BUT, it wasn't him looking for me, it's Mrs Tan!!! OMG la, early morning first call to get is complain abt him forgetting to sign something. anyway it's regarding his homework etc... AIYO!!! why is he the only 1 giving us so much trouble la... Now I don't dare to go back KR le lor, feel so sia suah la... It's not I never try before helping him but if he don't put in effort, nothing I can help. He must help himself before I can help. Besides, my mum is always obstructing me in some way in helping him. SIAN LA!!! Plus frustrated... She thinks scold got use meh... if got, long ago alrd effective la but obviously not. That's why I often feel I'm like a parent. I don't like and hate it! Why can't I just play a normal daughter role without unnecessary worries? Fine, if anyone thinks that I didn't put in much effort in helping him etc., I'll try not to be bothered by it because they're not me. They don't know what kind of situation and how I feel exactly. But at times, being 'wronged' at does feel terrible.

Fine fine fine... I'm going to bury myself in sleep and don't care le la... want to say or blame me etc. also can't bother much alrd. I'm not wan neng!

Once agn...

I totally can't sleep last night. I spent the whole day at home because I'm having mood swings agn. I yearned to go out yesterday cos it'll be the last weekend of holiday so I hope to be enjoyable but somehow because my bro doesnt wants to join me for it and the other 1 is sick, i flared up. In the end, supposedly intended to go for buffet also didn't go just because I'm having mood swings. I felt suppressed and very sad when the night came. When I was about to sleep, don't know why I just started crying and resulted unable to sleep. When I tried hard to clear all thoughts and managed to fall asleep, within an hr later I woke up. And started crying agn which I can't control somehow... I just felt very sad because have to return to sch on the day after next. I just felt scared and don't wish to return to those days so I didn't want to spend the whole of today at home too cos I know I'll be bored and start to think silly agn. So I told mummy and today indeed we spent the whole morning n afternoon outside. Time passes extremely fast when out and 1 day is going to be over soon. Haizzz... How how how??? At least today didi made me feel happy with his usual crappy character but I wonder am I able to sleep soundly tonight anot. Really scared of sch n sch days... but I also know I can't keep on crying...

It's back agn... I think...

Sch term is just abt to start in few days time but suddenly within these 2 days, 2 matters made me extremely sad, angry and worried. Why why why...?! Why just sch is abt to start, all these meddlesome problems kept coming in one by one? I don't want to be too worried but it's just a habit of mine cos I don't want to be too shocked that I'm unable to cope with any sudden attacks. That's why I always prepare for the worst of the worst although I know the possibility is low (a sign of positive thinking too isn't it). However it doesn't mean it's not possible. There's nth wrong anyway. I won't stop having such habit but at least in order not to be stressed out by it, I'm trying hard not to keep thinking it repeatedly. I'm really trying trying to change my over neg thinking cos I hate the feeling and it's definately unhealthy to well-being.

If it's for the best for the 2 rascals, I don't mind sacrificing. What can I do then? Why must I be born feeling 'old'?

Sad & Disappointed

Let me begin with a big big 'HAIX HAIX HAIX'... Mummy is thinking of holding a bdae party for me this year because turning to 21 is a 'big' thing in Singapore culture but in Japan, it is becoming 20 a 'big' thing instead. Anyway, I intend to only invite the real close friends of mine but who knows the few who replied me said got exams during that period so cannot make it. So this is really demoralizing but I can understand. I think arnd that period I should be having some tests also. When they replied me, suddenly I had a thinking that, 'so this is how 'good' my interpersonal relationship?' I hate doors slammed directly in my face and that's why I don't like to organise parties for myself. How good is it if someone can prepare a bdae surprise for me on that day, especially being 21 is a big thing! But this will never happen laaaa...

I think can forget abt it la. Maybe just a small celebration with my family will do and enough for me. \(*_*)/

It's alright It's alright It's alright... --> give more and expect less. Usually I give so little so it's normal to get much lesser in return right...?

A Big Thank You to all the horny Aunties!

Today as usual like the previous CNY, all the aunties will have a gathering at aunty rose's hse. And honestly speaking, it is something which I'm looking forward to and will not resist unlike going back to grandma's hse for reunion dinner or on 2nd day whereby everyone goes back.
So today I really enjoyed myself cos all the aunties will gather round and chat everything, including horny stuff lor... hahaha... although I may not be very comfortable with it especially when they're talking abt something really 'naked', on the other hand able to experience the thinking and way of expression of adults. So do not just simply think that it's too R21 and unsuitable.
There was a point of time when I went upstairs to get a drink, zhiwei's father asked me what I'm doing now so I told him lor... So naturally when u tell someone what u're studying, they'll link it to very far, in which u'll become a professional in that area. And he said must work hard... Then this is where all the aunties (or rather typically aunty jenny & aunty sally) began to 'counsel' me. Aunty jenny said, 'don stress her la', cos she knows what had happened to me recently that's why I think she kinda of know such of encouragement will sort of have a negative impact on me whereby I'll stress myself agn. Aunty sally also said, 'education is a long process, if can't take it, it means there's a need to slow down.' Aunty jenny also mentioned that most importantly is that u must find what u're studying is interesting. It's just like mummy getting u to mop the floor, if u don like it, u'll scold all kinds of things while mopping and vice versa if u like the activity. The way she talked was really amusing which I find it difficult to express it. However I'll remember it. While listening, my tears were on the verge to drop again but I tried very hard and managed to curb it luckily. Why is this so because of 2 reasons. Firstly, I'm really touched by their encouragement and secondly it's because I'm reminded of the sad and torturing period I went through not long ago. Actually I was quite shocked to the extend in terms of the number of people who knows abt it. When I just reached there, I greeted Popo and when she gave me an angbao, she actually said get good results and DON STRESS. I'm touched too at that time. In fact I don mind people knowing it because it isn't something ungraceful or what. Anyway I've known those aunties since very young.
Tonight, I've learnt something valuable agn, which is 'education is a long process'. Perhaps I know this since very long ago but only today aunty sally actually made it appear on the surface and reminded me this. Yes, indeed it is a long way, it doesn't just stop at just getting a degree. Many people wants the faster route to get a degree fast and it seems to just stop there. It appears to just get it for the sake of getting it. This statement actually summarises my whole decision for every everything... Really...

I know I want I should change my current state. I've alrd made the first move by seeing a psychiatrist to know what is my problem and how to solve it. In fact I clearly know where is my problem and see 1 is more to seeking a solution to solve the problem. Ultimately it still have to depend on myself. I should not use the 'pitifulness' expressed by others to me as a reinforcement to carry on sinking deeper into the well of negative thoughts. Eventually, no one will pity u and it's harder to pull self out of it.

On the surface, people will think that what I'm going through is unneeded for, it's just that self being 'weak' that's why going through all these. However, now I would think differently as that regardless what have self gone thru, there'll be something valuable to learn from it which can't be bought by money. In addition, it meant more by going thru it personally than merely retrieved it thru second hand encounters. That is why different people who trying to pass the same msg across the audience have different effectiveness. This lies in how colourful their life is. The more a person goes thru in life, he more 'power' in his speech especially on life lessons. This force seems to be innate, nothing can be exchanged for it.

In conclusion, A VERY BIG THANK YOU TO ALL OF THEM! I MEAN IT! ^_^

The person I adore alot!

Today went back to KR after 1 yr plus since the last visit. Initially I didn't want to visit ever since I withdrawed from NTU because somehow I feel I've let them down by giving up such a good chance. On the other hand, I didn't want to explain the reason for my decision because it'll be tiring for me and they might not understand anyway as they're not me. Just like what the psychiatrist said is true (because I agree too) that people tend to give comments without seeing the whole matter, just simply base on the end product which is decision. They are not going through what I'm undergoing so they cant possibly understand. Perhaps people will say everyone will undergo something similar so there's no excuse for you to give up such a gd chance blah blah blah. I agree that as people undergo different phases of life will experience something similar but not entirely the same process... For instance, young adults at the age of abt 20 will most probably be lost to what they want to do or feel afraid because the road in front is unclear. However, the thoughts, feelings involved differs across each individual as everyone is unique! That's why facing the same problem doesnt mean will have same outcome. Life problems cannot be simply solved with the use of algorithms usually.

Anyway, the main reason I went back was to see Mrs Tan because I still owed her a phone call. She passed a msg to me thru my brother to give her a call because she knew that I've withdrawed so she most probably will want to know what made me to have such a decision. I was still wondering how she knew it and she said it was her husband who told her. Wah! I didn't expect her husband to know me. I see him before and he knows my existence but didn't know that he remembered me so clearly. In fact I do hope to be taught by him because afterall he's mrs tan's hushband so anticipating how well he lectures as compared to mrs tan. Actually I did attend his lecture once before i withdrawed so... at least have not wasted my trip in there.. haha... When I know that my former teacher is still concern abt me, I really really really feel very happy and thankful of her because now she doesnt seem to be my teacher but more like a friend. In the past I'm very afraid of her and didnt expect that now I'll adore this teacher so much! I truely feel very fortunate to be in KR although i'm being 'dumped' there randomly. Those were the happiest and most fortunate days. I'll always remember and shall carry it with me whenever I go~

I'm not running away from problem...

Today I had an appointment with a psychiatrist. Finally I decided and went with it to see 1. I hope to be able to solve the current problem I'm having. So I'm very fine with the thought of visiting one unlike what people think of, such as only those 'mad' ones then will see a psychiatrist. Actually I find that my case isn't that serious to the extend to see a psychiatrist but nevertheless, what a psychologist can do, so can they. It's just that happened someone knows 1 so I went with it. During the session, I just told whatever I want and shortly after, I began to cry while telling my situation. I don't know for what reason I cry but just felt sad inside and got the urge to cry it out. Actually what she said to me I know it very well what's wrong within myself but somehow unable to get out. She had made some suggestions which I think I could try applying it when I need it. I also did tell her that sometimes I wonder if I'm running away from problem (refering to withdrawing from local uni) after hearing all the comments from those who know that I had such decision. Initially, I do seriously think I'm running away from problem but she said that if I am, I wouldn't be there to consult her for my problem.
To an extent I agree too and indeed I should be more confident for the decision I made. I don't know what will be in the future and all I can do is just to progress forward and not to look back. Clinging tightly on the past can obstruct one's way however if holding on to what is neccessary can enable one to progress forward bravely...

Thinks to remember:
1) Don't expect people to fully understand what you're going thru and the decision made. People tend to give comments without knowing the exact process u're going thru so it's normal to hear comments u dont agree. However, take it easy... as long u know what u're doing therefore...
2) Be more confident of your decision
3) Giving up a good chance may not necessarily be bad as what majority of the people think as long u know why u're doing so. As such, this does not imply that u're stupid or what. Intelligence can't be measured like that, just like what common IQ tests test for. Therefore, under such situation, Sternberg's and Gardner's intelligence theory are very applicable and also 'fairer' because they do not place too much emphasis on the end product of thinking like IQ tests does. Process too, is very important and shld not simply see the end product. Perhaps living in this fast paced world, everyone wants everything to be fast so even when it comes to thinking, shortcuts are used. Shortcuts are good because it saves time and effort but over reliance on it can be errorenous too.
4) There are always alternatives so do not be afraid. Now afraid is because can't see other alternative ways that can also lead us to the goal. So always bear in mind that alternatives are always out there. Now can't see it doesn't mean in the future can't see it. So now just concentrate on whatever is within your sight. =)