Rascals are back!

After a continuous of 4 days with complete peace at home, that 2 rascals are finally back! Indeed, they've became darker but not as dark as black chickens la. Back from OBS definately they bought T-shirts back but never did I expect that Gerald bought 1 for me too! OMG... why would I want one for? I didn't go OBS leh, give me I also don't dare to wear lor. Haha but nevertheless, this showed that he did think of me so hahaha feel happy abt it anyway.

Sorry, Mummy...

I've been longing to tell you something but don't know how to say it because there are simply too much I want to say it out. I think I have a problem with myself psychologically. Now practically I'm like fighting with myself within me everyday. When it comes to school work, I get very anxious over it easily and inside me keep telling me to study study study, using all the available time i have on study. So whenever I'm anxious or begin to worry I can't study everything I should know, my brain will blank out. I can't remember or understand anything I read. No matter how many times I read doesn't seem to remember for long. I really want to relax, take study as something I like and not just achieving good results. I don't want to place too much emphasis on it but somehow I just can't convince myself to do so. If I think I rest too much instead of studying, I'll blame myself. Actually since poly this has been happening. I tend to use negative thoughts or feelings to push myself. Gradually this seems to have become a habit and now when I want to get out of it I don't seem to be able to do it. I'll still be struggling inside and I really feel terrible that my chest feels very tight, feelings bottled up and then begin to cry. I want to be as happier by not being too bounded by matters like school work and other stuff. Will you be disappointed if I don't earn big bucks like everyone else like Cassandra, Jackson etc.? Will other people like Mary guma they all say negative things to you or look down on us? Do you think I've let you down or a burden when I said don't want to stay in NTU? Now having to pay so much for school fees I feel I have the responsibility to do well otherwise will let you down. That's why I'm pushing myself hard again, feeling exactly how it was during poly years. The reason why I want to transfer is also because I thought of changing myself to be happier whereby learning under a less stress environment because I truely not as happy as I used to be during secondary school years. I've seem to become anti-social, eccentric ever since. Now I realised the real problem lies within myself because I can't get over the psychological barrier in me and not so much because of the environment, what should I do?

I am a burden

I'm really nothing but a burden. Why can't I just pretend nothing felt and just keep it away from consciousness? if able to do so will definately save more trouble away for my parents. I hate myself even more now. Remaining as it used to be perhaps gives me an excuse for all not so well doings and perhaps then I'll be more relaxed? Im really a burden!!