Awaiting

I've not been posting for the last 1/2 weeks because it's my calming period so more or less everything seems to be the same, continuously repeating and answering myself but after all still can't reach a firm decision. Actually by now, I'm sort of getting adapted n better to ntu's life alrd but still... even if i try to persuade myself which I can because I still like wad I'm doing (but does not mean I will want to work in that field). However, i think change of environment will be good too? I've asked people arnd me what shld i choose but all their ans are abt the same. "life is yours. as long u know wad u really want then go for it." this isn't helping me at all because I'm still indecisive. So what am I waiting for? Something which I don know? Awaiting someone to say the key point out. Although life is turning out to be better gradually and most probably i will forget and cast that big qns aside for quite some time and may only re-appear agn if 1 day the same thing happen to me agn which is suppress my feelings/needs within me n ignore its presence. So currently now still... not making much progress...

Too many factors to consider

Now come to think of it, if i really want to go overseas there are far more concerns which are pulling me back. And most importantly is my mum. In this entire family all the males are simply useless I can say. They are so dependent on my mum to do everything for them and even if she comes back late, they simply can't be bothered to share the burden by doing some housework, especially that twin brothers of mine. They have eyes to see yet they can just ignore. She slps so late everyday despite i did those hsework for her alrd, i wonder if there's more to do lor. In the end she slps like 2-3 hrs only? I'm damn frustrated can. Irregardless how many times I or ah yee tell or rather say her she just don't take it seriously. For god sake la, age no longer young alrd lor yet still so stubborn. I think I have no other choices but to sacrifice my slp alrd. Perhaps only by using my slping hrs to 'threaten' her then she'll slp early. Haiz... so if i were to go overseas who will share to do the hsework? depend on that 2 doing nth but only play computer games? Can simply forget abt it. I'm so tired of telling them off alrd. I wonder when will they wake up lor. Must really something bad happen then start to reflect or regret? Who Who Who can help me? I'm really worried for her and if this carries on (which most probably will), I can forget abt going overseas with a peace mind. These worries are not redundant right, so how can I not worry abt. I can be very selfish just to think for myself but no matter what, my mum is my top priority. As for those 'males' in this household, i'm not giving a bother since they're so insensible.

Now could be the cooling down period for me I suppose. 1 matter which made me feel rather glad today is that ah yee said she support me too if i forgo studies in singapore n go overseas instead. 1 thing i don want to stay in singapore to study because i think it's becoming more n more scary to study over here. foreigners coming to singapore are also becoming just as competitive as singaporean students especially those real clever ones. All along since pri sch till poly, people arnd me tend to be of the same level (smartness) as me so the envt is rather pleasant n comfortable. Unlike in the uni, where all the real smart people are gathered, the atmosphere is totally different. competition is no longer a motivation but became a necessity instead. as long as u're part of this circle, hard core competition is a must. so it's like a weapon coming after your life, and what u can do is to defend urself. in order to defend, u might need to choose a weapon and in the end it's of the same weapon! This means joining the HCC (hard core competition) too. I believe if a person by nature does not belong to the competitive grp, under such HCC situation influence, gradually will fall into this category unknowingly too. Perhaps uni is a preview to wad the real society is like but i can say that I hate it. Actually it can be quite a torture n more tiring having a average person among the smart grp if he/she is trying hard to chase up their pace or standard. Sometimes able to make it for the minimum alrd is a prob, needless to say to be on par or ahead of them. There is nth impossible as long have the will but sometimes this kind of issue, it is a fact that IQ difference does make difference on actual situation, hard work need not play a part. That's why I don't like the classification of students base on their academic results. it's just like a barrier between the average n smart whereby average people may see smart people to be so full of themselves n arrogant, unfriendly etc. As to wad neg. impression smart people have towards average people, i don know. But certainly, there are misunderstandings between this 2 population. subconcoiously in the minds of average people they have such neg thinking abt smart people, so this could be why smart n average people doesn't really click together unless it's by chance they get to know each other more? Although such neg impression can't be applied to everyone but it seems to have imprinted in average people minds alrd (linking smart n arrogance).

But on the other hand, if there is no grping of students base on their ability. does the smart n average able to get together too? Sometimes I feel it's affinity bah. the type of friends u befriend with usually are of the same kind as self, so it's sort of a kind of attraction cum filtration force. so those of different freq. from self are being repelled further away?

I am who I am

At last, I know why am I feeling so particularly lost, confused recently but it's going to turn for the better. And also, I have to make a decision which no one is able to help me except myself cos it's my own life. Now I've got to know myself better it's a good thing too. Feel glad that there is a purpose or direction which I would like to go after. That's all I'm able to say cos the rest will stay within me. When the time is appropriate, perhaps I'll post it here. Sooo... bear with the suspense now...

Meanwhile, it's a good time to loosen up upon seeing old friend, also reminded me of old days that was simply toooo sweet... Though those days cannot be reversed but there will more of such times in the future. Not happening now doesn't mean it won't happen in the future. It could be just the inappropriate time to show up.
P.S. Does it sound kinda familiar?

Still pondering...

Tears rolled down agn just a moment ago after telling Gerrard most imptantly is to be happy. And as I expected he told mummy and here she came talking to me. She said she won't force me if I really don't want to study and I know regardless what decision I make as long I'm happy and know what I want she will support me, as she knows for the past 3 yrs I'm gradually becoming more unhappy. Now the fact is, I'm lost, having no exact idea what I like and want to do. Perhaps this is just a temp lost of direction which I hope so it is. At least I won't be in agony. Or came to realise what I really want and interested to do soon. I think I really lack of self confidence and that's why particularly in such a great struggle now... There's nothing much I can do now right? Maybe I'll just give it a try first and see how it goes as time goes by but most likely nothing will happen?

Immersing in the midst of a tinct of happiness (xingfu)

Able to see something I like = happiness

Possessing it ≠ happiness

****Felicia = Happy****

Afterall it does feel good especially when 'depressing' days are going to start tml so... shld feel contented with it alrd. Don't dare to ask for more. Hope to wish for more but try not to and just keep within myself, nor think abt it. Just hope all is going well smoothly for that person and remain happy as what told me previously and I feel **** happy too.

Today, I've realised what I want to achieve or rather to find back.... myself... Finding back the old felicia hoo (who) is very important to me because Over the past 3 years, I began to lose recognition of who I am. So, now I'm going to enter a new phase I know I have 2 choices. One is to carry on to be the depressing gal as I have been for the past 3 years or find back my old self, felihaha. Of course, I'm going to find back felihaha in me. Perhaps it's going to be 大変(jap) but maybe at least I am happy. Additionally, I hope I'm able to put down that fierce and strict character of myself in front of my family. I don't like abt this but it has been cultivated into a habit alrd after all the family matters happening all these while. Like I've mentioned earlier on, habits can really be frightening, it's isn't that easy to shake it away. This 2-sided of me is making me feeling tired, really tired till I'm confused about which is then the true me? I dislike complexity, so in other words u can say I'm stupid or sth... but simplicity is the true peace isn't it? Anwyay, I'm not good at words but hopefully someone out there have the same thoughts or understand what I'm trying to express.

Legs to feli: Must your growing up journey seem so dramatic?

After a short cry over the phone with my aunt last night and a rather good slp I felt slightly better this morning. Indeed, crying out does help for me but sometimes the opportunity is not there. However, I still do think about the same qns agn but perhaps I shld listen to Legs and put into action. It sounds simple but it can be difficult to put it into practice, which is to think positively. I do know the importance and impact of thinking positively but somehow I do not want to place false positive hopes and in the end nothing gd comes out. Now i really realised the true a sentence which I came across 1 show. Habits are really a scary thing. Good habits can be cultivated but when good habits cultivated towards the 'extreme end' and carried out continuously for years, it may not be a good thing afterall. To a certain degree, I'm feeling difficult and down. Not really happy just to have this good habit cultivated. And now, I really hope someone will come and stay beside me to give me the courage and helping hand to take the first step 'out' of this good habit. Not to discard it but to make it more enjoyable, dare to take other different risk/challenge at the same time without forgoing current studies. I think I simply have too many burdens and expectations. I must learn how to put some down but at this moment I still can't talk round myself to do so. It seems that all these have been permanently engraved in my head and heart, can't be erased? Maybe it requires some time but I hope it won't be long otherwise it'll be another torturous and unhappy path for me agn. If the person whom I hope to appear in front of me to give me the courage, how gd can it be? Yet once agn, this might just be another false dream of mine, but no matter how there is still a glimse of hope lighting at 1 corner within me hoping it will be noticed, accepted and provide strength to lighten up the whole me!